Un Amour Interdit

Over the last few days, a drama has unfolded in the UK and European media surrounding a 15-year-old schoolgirl who eloped to France with her 30-year-old lover, who was also her maths tutor. Probably to counterbalance the “official” Facebook page that inevitably sprang-up for the occasion, someone started a page entitled Megan Stammers & Jeremy Forrest - Good Luck To You Both. An interesting, stimulating and sometimes heated debate ensued about the rights, wrongs, ups and downs of the case. From the cacophony that erupted emerged a (very eloquent) word of moderation. After some persuasion, the modest wordsmith allowed me to reproduce it here, unedited and its original form, on condition of anonymity. – AMB

By courtesy of an anonymous author:

My heart truly goes out to ALL those involved, both families, friends, the school, its students, meg and jeremy. There are only two people who know the truth and the facts, everyone else can only speculate.

I deliberately avoided posting anything all week, though many posts, from many different pov made my blood absolutely boil with their utter stupidity. I was sensible of the anguish Meg's family and friends were experiencing, to say nothing of Jeremy's parents and wife. I'm so often saddened by the complete disregard for another human beings mental welfare that is displayed too often on fb.

I followed the story and watched with interest how the angry mob swayed and lurched to the media's tune, baying on cue and without any independent consideration of either the facts that were presented, gift-wrapped by a trembling-kneed media, or the information which was out there for anyone who chose to seek a fuller picture. I watched as the various authorities picked their way through the minefield laid down by the media and primed by ill-informed ignoramuses who glanced over the story before turning to ogle celebrities and topless teenage wannabes and revelling in nonsensical gossip, willingly offering up their nose rings.

I am by no means belittling the enormous fear of those who know and love either of the runaways. The compassion and humanity shown by many was well, inspirational. Nor do I believe that running was right, nor that Jeremy was right to pursue this relationship in the manner he did. That doesn't negate the fact that i understand the how and the why. I truly understand.

To understand how this occurs even though both parties know it isn't right, you must understand that it is that very fear-fuelled absolutism that purports to protect at all costs that creates the pressure-cooker situation that leads to people who are in the grip of extreme emotion to make poor decisions which seem ludicrous to the rest of us. When two people spend a great deal of time in one another's company and they discover a shared interest, point of view, past or current experience, nature, sense of humour, or indeed all of the above, mixed with a sense of mutual admiration and respect, it would not be at all unexpected for them to fall in love.

Now, the situation of these two people makes a relationship between them wrong. So they resolve to stand firm, convince themselves it is mere infatuation that will pass. But it doesn't. It gets worse. They fear the strength of their feelings. They find themselves doing and saying things without thought and are eaten up with regret the moment they look away.

Who do they turn to? Who can they trust to understand? Who understands them? Knows them well enough to judge their character wisely when their whole life hangs in the balance?

The simple answer is of course the person with whom they have found a deep connection. Because they are the only person in their world who they do not fear damnation from.

It is the perfect storm.

The sensible thing of course is for one party to remove themselves from the situation. And in many a case enough presence of mind is retained to take that course, that doesn't always mean the end. But sometimes, especially when there is other emotional distress or vulnerability, or perhaps an overriding sense of optimism, the instinct to cling to the best thing in your life, the thing that means more than anything else wins out over sensibility.

And so they make mistakes, they end up in a place they never intended, they are afraid, hurting, beating themselves up, and again, who can they turn to? Suddenly everything is lost and desperation takes hold.

If, in this case, was able to turn to a superior, or a friend, without being told to get a grip or worse, summarily judged as being something 'wrong' with them, or indeed threatened, when those feelings first took their grip.... If Meg had felt someone would take her seriously and that he would not be demonised, that anyone would take the time to make a sensible judgement, to trust someone not to acquiesce, but could put her faith in their honest consideration and advice, not driven by fear and convention, then maybe, just maybe, a lot of heartache could be avoided.

I don't want to preach, not at all, I only know Absolutism is a dangerous path. As dangerous as permissiveness can be. That is why we create laws to protect and apply them with blessed common sense.